I am so much more than me.

EDIT: After I finished- actually, not quite finished but more near the end than the middle- I decided to write something wholly positive to preface this with, because I really do feel pretty good today,

I'm healthy.
I feel happy, and I'm in love.
I'm taking care of my body
I'm taking care of my mind.
I'm taking care of my spirit.
I'm taking care of my heart.


Original Text:

What can I say? It's 3am and I obviously should be sleeping.
How on earth am I to keep up with myself when my attention and interests shift every 3 days.
If I were focused enough to somehow track the shifts and discern a pattern, perhaps I could plan for it. Because I come back to the same things, most of the time. The things that don't really hold any interest for me are forgotten, but I rotate through the same thousand interests and ideas countless times over some patternless (it seems) cycle. Is it every three days, twice a month for 12 hours at a time (feel free to do the math and correct me, I didn't bother).

I want to write- I want to write a magical children's boo. With illustrations to match, of course, but I'd have to have someone else do that.
I want to write a book about my wife and everything she's been through, from the standpoint of someone helping a PTSD sufferer make their triumphant re-birth to feeling all of what life offers.
I want to be myself- my loving, caring, sympathetic self. But I also want to somehow become a shrewd businessman. I want to invest in, own, and successfully run (rent/lease) both residential and commercial properties: I have my eye on three beauties right now in Provo, and I'm bound to inherit something in San Diego eventually... I hope.
I've thought recently about just interviewing people I'm interested in and publishing it in a new, seperate blog, to get myself started as a freelance writer. I'd interview Sebastien Millon, an artist I find hilarious and inspiring, for doing what he loves and making a living at it. I'd interview Holy Water Buffalo, a band that started here in Utah, in Heber City. They're some cool kids and I really hope they make it. Just anyone I think is interesting. It would help me to be able to actually put some energy towards these things I like. Plus, I could ask all those questions that I am constantly having to shunt away for want of anything like an actual answer.
I have so many interests that shift around, but none of them are really about anything I would want to DO for a career. So maybe what I should do is write about all my wash-about interests, right?


Anyway, I'm up tonight because there is a shite-ton of things on my mind, and I think I made my mind up (subconsciously, of course) to stay up and get on the computer so that I wouldn't have to lay there and think about it all while I tried to talk myself into going to sleep, though I tried that for an hour or so.

We need medicare/medicaid, or something. I need a real job that pays money. I SHOULD go to school but I hate it. I hate the beaurocracy of it, the forced compliance. Don't get me wrong, I understand the whole pay-your-dues, this-is-the-price-of-a-documented-education thing. Yeah, notice I said "documented." That little piece of paper, what it means is that you can work in a team, with other people, and follow a set of standardized, set-forth procedures for an extended period of time to accomplish a series of tasks leading to the completion of an overarching goal. That's what those big employers want to see. That's what we're told makes us valuable.
My question is what about me? I know I'm valuable. But I still yearn for that damned piece of paper that says I've actually spent money to prove that I'm valuable. Not only that, but I can see as clear as day that my track-record says that I CAN'T stick with a prescribed course to reach a goal. I start things, get bored, and quit. Sure I learned from the brief period of time I was involved, but I didn't finish anything...
I'm so sick of it.

Is it wrong to crave recognition from strangers? From those outside my family, friends- my lifelong mentors, teachers, connections? I know I should seek first to live a life of worth beyond this lifetime, but is it wrong to want success here, on this imperfect earth? Does God know I would turn into a self-absorbed, megalomaniacal, tool? So in His wisdom, he directs me to a less conspicuous path. Or have I just not tried hard enough. Not applied myself enough. Because He sure knows I really haven't.

Now here I am, trying to figure out how to support and move forward with my little family, feeling completely inadequate and under-qualified. Why didn't I go to university out of high school? Why didn't I get trade certified? Why haven't I done the things I need to in order to have a career and support a family, and make progress, and be able to qualify to buy a home and maybe even those commercial buildings. Why don't I see those jobs I don't really want to do for a career as a means to an end? I would have worked them for a while and then bought homes and businesses and been able to retire and live off of my money working for me, as they say.

Then again, I realized tonight, as I spoke openly and honestly with my wife about our individual and mutual concerns and plans, and went over the things we need to take care of immediately to be able to handle this weekends trip to her grandma's 90-something birthday party. I realized how blessed I am. How wonderful of a woman she is to take in stride my inability to keep track of who's turn it is to offer our bedtime prayer, and quietly accepting the assignment when she knew she had prayed last night. I try to let us take turns, to be equal and even in all things. But I didn't realize it tonight until we were laying in bed talking. She just accepts it, and me, and moves forward. Trusting that I'll pray twice in a row sometimes, too, for the same reason. Because I forgot who did it last night.
I fell in love again, looking into her eyes tonight. Thinking about how giving she is, how much she goes through, how softly she submits to my request for prayers from her lips, even if it's once more than I meant to. How firmly she refuses to cower to opposition, and how strong I know she would fight if I were to ever even hint at abuse of my role as her partner, her equal, her husband. And how quickly I know she would cow to the same behaviour if she were in her weak place. So I never will. I never, ever will.
Not that I've never hurt her. I just don't like to. Never starting with that intent. It's a side effect of my own thoughtlessness, at times. My own weakness and my own self-battles that she's been dragged into.
I honestly didn't know it would be like this.
I commented tonight on how when I decided to marry her, it was because I wanted someone who I knew I could continue to grow with. Not someone who was so far beyond me that I would feel inferior, but I knew she was more developed in certain areas. I didn't see that I was more developed than her in others. But I am. We are a wonderful fit, she and I. I just didn't know it would be so -different- with someone else in the equation. More challenging, more rewarding. More of everything. Harder to succeed, but much more worth the effort. I love it. I love us. I love her.
Life is such a blessing.
Now I just need to figure out what to do with it... still.

My therapist is awesome.
I actually think finding him is half the reason I wound up in this state, in this town.
He's mentioned that a colleague of his, who only treats patients with A.D.D., actually refuses to see a patient unless a spouse, parent, or close friend will sign a document promising to be their observer and tracker. The reason being that people with ADD are notoriously horrendous self-trackers. We don't know how we feel or how we felt two days ago, much less last month. We can't tell if new medications are working or not. We tend to live in what I call the, "NOW-RIGHT-NOW-NOW-WHAT'S-THAT--SHINY-NEXT-PLEASE"
With strange sidetracks into the "I wonder what tomorrow will be like, or the end of the year- I wonder what it would be like if I were like this- or a superhero, or if my life were actually a movie"
SO the long and the short of it is, He give great advice, and I feel great because lately when I go in with things that bother me but I have a proposed solution, he's been telling me my thinking is pretty sound and I should pursue that action further, or look into it more and try it out. But his advice and the tools he gives me remain untested.
I think he's recommended several things.
Most recently to longest ago:
Mindfulness Training- which is pretty cool, from the sound of it- I just haven't listened to the CD with the instructions yet.
Creatine and other supplements to help boost my brain into attentiveness- those cost money. I'm broke.
Stream-of-conciousness communication- Basically I talk what my brain thinks, only out loud, to my wife, so she understands why I go on crazy tangents and don't remember what I said five minutes ago.
Medication to help manage the more tedious things in life- like classrooms, church meetings, and bureaucracy in general. This was recommended on a take-as-needed basis, which I liked because I am so sick of being prescribed a daily dose of some chemical to keep me 'balanced'. It kills me- turns me into a ghost of myself. On the other hand, if it doesn't need to be in my bloodstream for the entirety of my existance, and I can take it when I need a boost in my attention-span. Then awesome. Take one an hour before class,
an hour before I do homework, then forget about it, let it wear off, and cut loose!

I also enjoy long walks on the beach, quiet evenings in the woods, and the works of the Bronte sisters.


Anyway. I'm still here, and I've got a ton of stuff on my to-do list for tomorrow. Including finding my drivers license....

Wishlist

10/28/10 Since pretty much nobody reads my blog because, well let's face it, I only post about twice per year, this is mostly for my own reference. This will be a work in progress, I'll edit and update it regularly.

11/13/10 I keep adding stuff. Most of it is making this into more of a dream list than anything that someone could actually shop for me off of, but it's fun to finally keep track of all the stuff I've always wanted.

So let's begin.

BOOKS:
http://www.girlgeniusonline.com/comic.php?date=20021104

http://www.randomhouse.com/book/126446/inheritance-by-christopher-paolini

GEAR:

MSR Lightning Ascent Snowshoe in 25". I also like the 22" Lighting Flash with tails for hiking or running.

Black Diamond Quickdraw Tour probe

Black Diamond Deploy 3 snow shovel


Snow Pants:
I WANT THESE!

I would also like a nice watch.
Here are some from Suunto

The Suunto Core has an altimiter, barometer, compass,
depth-meter, and more.

The Suunto X10 has the Altimter, Barometer, compass, plus GPS in case you get lost. And it comes with trek mapping software- the Rolls Royce of wrist-top computers.

The Nixon Delta II SS/PU has an Alti, Compass, and ride log for snowboarding.
It's not as techy as the Suuntos, but it's a little bit more affordable.

Nemo Equipment, Inc. "Losi" 2 person tent
Various Snowboarding gloves.
All Mountain glove- the general purpose, must have, all conditions snow glove.
Here's another one, from Marmot.
Lobster style I would really like a pair of these, or these, or these... see if they'll keep my
fingers warmer on cold days.
Tech Gloves (less insulation, technical fit, more dexterity). ooooooh, Black Diamond.
Pipe Gloves (Nil insulation, high dexterity, for warm days and park runs with lots of hiking up)
Mitts Or, these from Black Diamond are my faves for the snotty, brutally cold days.

TOYS:
R/C Helicopter (a cheap one would be fine, that way I don' care if I crash it)
Look here. 3 channel are the beginner models and the mini/micro size are the ones that fit on your hand and only fly indoors. I like this one for a micro, and this one for a mini. Or this for the big 3chan size. If we're gonna go big though, This big Green one is 4 channel and I really like it... ;) ;)

Airsoft Tank. This would just be fun to have.

VEHICLES:

2005-2006 Subaru Impreza STI

88-91 BMW 325 iX, just because

2001-2003 Lexus AS 300 SportCross AWD Wagon

A snowcat. This old company, Snow Trac, used to make them with the aircooled VW motors.

Ceaseless Bend

I'm not sure what it is with me and the Phoenix, I feel sort of like I've always been looking for her, always had this sense of representation. The phoenix is beginning to feel symbolic of my life...

I don't think I'm quite finished with this one, it needs more in order to convey how much I've changed since I last really wrote poetry, let the thoughts carry me, my hands, to expression. I'm rather pleased, but don't hold back.




Look at all that's come to fall,
From hands held too long clenched.
Whose voice shall fight to find the light
From shadowed mind entrenched.

To which rebirth delivers- mirth?
If nothing stands opposing.
And captive tears for many years
Will end their long reposing.

Whilst singing last his Requiem Mass
Is heard the bird of fire.
And mourners all had seen his fall
He's risen from his pyre.

While fitful fear seemed ever near
The poets lips have sputtered.
Tho' naught can mend what has it's end
For now- said lips have uttered.

'Round again the ceaseless bend
And this time, with a smile.
he Prays, in hope, to help him cope
This muse abide awhile.

And I Hope

Merry Christmas to everyone who may stumble across this little posting.
I'm just fine today, and happy to report it. Tired, but happy.

If anyone comes across some words, could you package them for me, I'm hoping that mine come back soon, for I miss them. I'm hoping that my latest schemes to move out of my 'rent's house lead to a rebirth of my etch-able ebb and flow.
And I'm hope, truly, that you all have a very Merry Christmas.

I think I avoid posting here, which is quite amusing, because that's why I made the account- to post, to write, to... have it. Done. Why am I afraid to write, to open? Was I hurt too much by how much of myself I put into it? What can be done to begin again? I think I am a little afraid, that's why I don't post- I'm afraid I'll open up and let it all out. And I don't want people to know what I'm thinking anymore, I don't think... hmmm.
I'll have to see what happens over the next few months, where I wind up. I decided it's time to move out of mom & dad's place and strike out on my own, where I can make my own decisions, organise things the way I want them organised, and not have to worry about their problems. I feel for them, I'm bummed that the current economic situation is causing them stress, but I can't emotionally handle staying here to "help out" not that I've been much help since I've been here.
I'm starting to sound juvenile to myself, am I being selfish? AGH! NO! That's the same cycle I get caught up in EVERY SINGLE TIME! So, I'm outta here in a few months, no debating. All I have to do now is get my stuff sorted and figure out just where I'm gonna live.

Anyway, it's Christmas day and I've got a phone call to make. :)

~oceanmemories

Is this where Einstein got his ideas?

I'm adjusting... mabye it's best left at that. I never had any false hope that it would get easier when the mission was over, but near the end I'd have been lying if I had told you I wasn't eagerly anticipating the change of routine... Well shoot-dang brother, quite the change it has been, and continues to be. I can't even pretend to be ahead of the curve on this one. The Elders in my area here in San Diego stopped by tonight, and I told them that the strangest thing was how the elasticity of time didn't revert to the innocent state I seem to recall it having before my Mission (perhaps it's only the nostalgic irridescence of memory anyway). It seems that before, time moved only forward, always at a steady pace. Then on my mission, I had been out for a year and had only been in the MTC the week before. Now here I am, I've only been home for a literal 4 1/2 months and it feels like I've been back for a year, and like I only got off the plane yesterday. I've been up and down so many times I think I may have either whiplash or an impacted spinal column. Sure, part of it has to do with depression, related medications, and the inherent, aberrent behaviours associated with such a drastic shift in climate and routine, but damn. I'm barely making it. On my last day at work, as I was apologising, a co-woker, Dan, told me his motto was "Adapt and move forward." I think his motto changes according to the situation at hand, but that was a good one. Can I do it? That's a good question. I'm pretty tired of the answer depending on which day I'm asked. Do I always do what I already know I should because I've tried and proven it? Do I always read my scriptures? No. Pray? No. Eat a balanced, healthy diet? No. At least exercise? Hell no. Why? Why don't I just suck it up and do some part of it, make some kind of effort? Why do I talk myself out of action when I'm down, even though I know that action would help? Do I always wait for a spur? ...
Why am I making this known in the limitless bounds of the ether-tubes? Hmm, I dunno, perhaps because it feels kind of like living, only safer. That sounds probably more fatalist than it really is. What I mean to say is that it feels like it's been a while since I've done something that scares me- even a little. Something to make me, you know, live a little. What does it take to scare me? Good question. Exposure. I'm not afraid to lose my job- even though when I quit the resulting emotion was more complex than I'd anticipated. I'm not afraid to fail- failure is actually my safety net. I am afraid of people and what they think of me, to an extent. I'm afraid to be seen for what I am, to be exposed to the point where my true and irrefuteable nature can no longer be denied, when others, but especially myself, must acknowledge my greatest fallibility, my most exploitable flaw:

I am undeniably, unmistakeably, flawlessly, and above all else perfectly....
HUMAN- As evidenced by my propensity towards irony... and milkshakes...

I have strange ideas.

As a preface, you should know that I often have fun little ideas course through my head in the midst of a conversation, therefore, if you ever have the singular pleasure of conversing with me and notice a far-off look in my eyes for a second or two, I probably just had a plot outline or something such as the following flash across my devious little brain. Because of this, I often wish I knew how to do flash animation or even just draw well so that I could illustrate a comic or something. So, if anyone who reads this happens to think it's a good idea, (despite appearances to the contrary) feel free to animate it and please send me a copy.

Our hero is a who is sick and tired of feeling like he fails at everything, like he's not good enough. He decides to join a workout club run by a group of local ostriches.. (yada yada yada- the title is Ostri-cising.. get it?)

Are you paying attention? Am I?