EDIT: After I finished- actually, not quite finished but more near the end than the middle- I decided to write something wholly positive to preface this with, because I really do feel pretty good today,
I'm healthy.
I feel happy, and I'm in love.
I'm taking care of my body
I'm taking care of my mind.
I'm taking care of my spirit.
I'm taking care of my heart.
Original Text:
What can I say? It's 3am and I obviously should be sleeping.
How on earth am I to keep up with myself when my attention and interests shift every 3 days.
If I were focused enough to somehow track the shifts and discern a pattern, perhaps I could plan for it. Because I come back to the same things, most of the time. The things that don't really hold any interest for me are forgotten, but I rotate through the same thousand interests and ideas countless times over some patternless (it seems) cycle. Is it every three days, twice a month for 12 hours at a time (feel free to do the math and correct me, I didn't bother).
I want to write- I want to write a magical children's boo. With illustrations to match, of course, but I'd have to have someone else do that.
I want to write a book about my wife and everything she's been through, from the standpoint of someone helping a PTSD sufferer make their triumphant re-birth to feeling all of what life offers.
I want to be myself- my loving, caring, sympathetic self. But I also want to somehow become a shrewd businessman. I want to invest in, own, and successfully run (rent/lease) both residential and commercial properties: I have my eye on three beauties right now in Provo, and I'm bound to inherit something in San Diego eventually... I hope.
I've thought recently about just interviewing people I'm interested in and publishing it in a new, seperate blog, to get myself started as a freelance writer. I'd interview Sebastien Millon, an artist I find hilarious and inspiring, for doing what he loves and making a living at it. I'd interview Holy Water Buffalo, a band that started here in Utah, in Heber City. They're some cool kids and I really hope they make it. Just anyone I think is interesting. It would help me to be able to actually put some energy towards these things I like. Plus, I could ask all those questions that I am constantly having to shunt away for want of anything like an actual answer.
I have so many interests that shift around, but none of them are really about anything I would want to DO for a career. So maybe what I should do is write about all my wash-about interests, right?
Anyway, I'm up tonight because there is a shite-ton of things on my mind, and I think I made my mind up (subconsciously, of course) to stay up and get on the computer so that I wouldn't have to lay there and think about it all while I tried to talk myself into going to sleep, though I tried that for an hour or so.
We need medicare/medicaid, or something. I need a real job that pays money. I SHOULD go to school but I hate it. I hate the beaurocracy of it, the forced compliance. Don't get me wrong, I understand the whole pay-your-dues, this-is-the-price-of-a-documented-education thing. Yeah, notice I said "documented." That little piece of paper, what it means is that you can work in a team, with other people, and follow a set of standardized, set-forth procedures for an extended period of time to accomplish a series of tasks leading to the completion of an overarching goal. That's what those big employers want to see. That's what we're told makes us valuable.
My question is what about me? I know I'm valuable. But I still yearn for that damned piece of paper that says I've actually spent money to prove that I'm valuable. Not only that, but I can see as clear as day that my track-record says that I CAN'T stick with a prescribed course to reach a goal. I start things, get bored, and quit. Sure I learned from the brief period of time I was involved, but I didn't finish anything...
I'm so sick of it.
Is it wrong to crave recognition from strangers? From those outside my family, friends- my lifelong mentors, teachers, connections? I know I should seek first to live a life of worth beyond this lifetime, but is it wrong to want success here, on this imperfect earth? Does God know I would turn into a self-absorbed, megalomaniacal, tool? So in His wisdom, he directs me to a less conspicuous path. Or have I just not tried hard enough. Not applied myself enough. Because He sure knows I really haven't.
Now here I am, trying to figure out how to support and move forward with my little family, feeling completely inadequate and under-qualified. Why didn't I go to university out of high school? Why didn't I get trade certified? Why haven't I done the things I need to in order to have a career and support a family, and make progress, and be able to qualify to buy a home and maybe even those commercial buildings. Why don't I see those jobs I don't really want to do for a career as a means to an end? I would have worked them for a while and then bought homes and businesses and been able to retire and live off of my money working for me, as they say.
Then again, I realized tonight, as I spoke openly and honestly with my wife about our individual and mutual concerns and plans, and went over the things we need to take care of immediately to be able to handle this weekends trip to her grandma's 90-something birthday party. I realized how blessed I am. How wonderful of a woman she is to take in stride my inability to keep track of who's turn it is to offer our bedtime prayer, and quietly accepting the assignment when she knew she had prayed last night. I try to let us take turns, to be equal and even in all things. But I didn't realize it tonight until we were laying in bed talking. She just accepts it, and me, and moves forward. Trusting that I'll pray twice in a row sometimes, too, for the same reason. Because I forgot who did it last night.
I fell in love again, looking into her eyes tonight. Thinking about how giving she is, how much she goes through, how softly she submits to my request for prayers from her lips, even if it's once more than I meant to. How firmly she refuses to cower to opposition, and how strong I know she would fight if I were to ever even hint at abuse of my role as her partner, her equal, her husband. And how quickly I know she would cow to the same behaviour if she were in her weak place. So I never will. I never, ever will.
Not that I've never hurt her. I just don't like to. Never starting with that intent. It's a side effect of my own thoughtlessness, at times. My own weakness and my own self-battles that she's been dragged into.
I honestly didn't know it would be like this.
I commented tonight on how when I decided to marry her, it was because I wanted someone who I knew I could continue to grow with. Not someone who was so far beyond me that I would feel inferior, but I knew she was more developed in certain areas. I didn't see that I was more developed than her in others. But I am. We are a wonderful fit, she and I. I just didn't know it would be so -different- with someone else in the equation. More challenging, more rewarding. More of everything. Harder to succeed, but much more worth the effort. I love it. I love us. I love her.
Life is such a blessing.
Now I just need to figure out what to do with it... still.
My therapist is awesome.
I actually think finding him is half the reason I wound up in this state, in this town.
He's mentioned that a colleague of his, who only treats patients with A.D.D., actually refuses to see a patient unless a spouse, parent, or close friend will sign a document promising to be their observer and tracker. The reason being that people with ADD are notoriously horrendous self-trackers. We don't know how we feel or how we felt two days ago, much less last month. We can't tell if new medications are working or not. We tend to live in what I call the, "NOW-RIGHT-NOW-NOW-WHAT'S-THAT--SHINY-NEXT-PLEASE"
With strange sidetracks into the "I wonder what tomorrow will be like, or the end of the year- I wonder what it would be like if I were like this- or a superhero, or if my life were actually a movie"
SO the long and the short of it is, He give great advice, and I feel great because lately when I go in with things that bother me but I have a proposed solution, he's been telling me my thinking is pretty sound and I should pursue that action further, or look into it more and try it out. But his advice and the tools he gives me remain untested.
I think he's recommended several things.
Most recently to longest ago:
Mindfulness Training- which is pretty cool, from the sound of it- I just haven't listened to the CD with the instructions yet.
Creatine and other supplements to help boost my brain into attentiveness- those cost money. I'm broke.
Stream-of-conciousness communication- Basically I talk what my brain thinks, only out loud, to my wife, so she understands why I go on crazy tangents and don't remember what I said five minutes ago.
Medication to help manage the more tedious things in life- like classrooms, church meetings, and bureaucracy in general. This was recommended on a take-as-needed basis, which I liked because I am so sick of being prescribed a daily dose of some chemical to keep me 'balanced'. It kills me- turns me into a ghost of myself. On the other hand, if it doesn't need to be in my bloodstream for the entirety of my existance, and I can take it when I need a boost in my attention-span. Then awesome. Take one an hour before class,
an hour before I do homework, then forget about it, let it wear off, and cut loose!
I also enjoy long walks on the beach, quiet evenings in the woods, and the works of the Bronte sisters.
Anyway. I'm still here, and I've got a ton of stuff on my to-do list for tomorrow. Including finding my drivers license....
I'm healthy.
I feel happy, and I'm in love.
I'm taking care of my body
I'm taking care of my mind.
I'm taking care of my spirit.
I'm taking care of my heart.
Original Text:
What can I say? It's 3am and I obviously should be sleeping.
How on earth am I to keep up with myself when my attention and interests shift every 3 days.
If I were focused enough to somehow track the shifts and discern a pattern, perhaps I could plan for it. Because I come back to the same things, most of the time. The things that don't really hold any interest for me are forgotten, but I rotate through the same thousand interests and ideas countless times over some patternless (it seems) cycle. Is it every three days, twice a month for 12 hours at a time (feel free to do the math and correct me, I didn't bother).
I want to write- I want to write a magical children's boo. With illustrations to match, of course, but I'd have to have someone else do that.
I want to write a book about my wife and everything she's been through, from the standpoint of someone helping a PTSD sufferer make their triumphant re-birth to feeling all of what life offers.
I want to be myself- my loving, caring, sympathetic self. But I also want to somehow become a shrewd businessman. I want to invest in, own, and successfully run (rent/lease) both residential and commercial properties: I have my eye on three beauties right now in Provo, and I'm bound to inherit something in San Diego eventually... I hope.
I've thought recently about just interviewing people I'm interested in and publishing it in a new, seperate blog, to get myself started as a freelance writer. I'd interview Sebastien Millon, an artist I find hilarious and inspiring, for doing what he loves and making a living at it. I'd interview Holy Water Buffalo, a band that started here in Utah, in Heber City. They're some cool kids and I really hope they make it. Just anyone I think is interesting. It would help me to be able to actually put some energy towards these things I like. Plus, I could ask all those questions that I am constantly having to shunt away for want of anything like an actual answer.
I have so many interests that shift around, but none of them are really about anything I would want to DO for a career. So maybe what I should do is write about all my wash-about interests, right?
Anyway, I'm up tonight because there is a shite-ton of things on my mind, and I think I made my mind up (subconsciously, of course) to stay up and get on the computer so that I wouldn't have to lay there and think about it all while I tried to talk myself into going to sleep, though I tried that for an hour or so.
We need medicare/medicaid, or something. I need a real job that pays money. I SHOULD go to school but I hate it. I hate the beaurocracy of it, the forced compliance. Don't get me wrong, I understand the whole pay-your-dues, this-is-the-price-of-a-documented-education thing. Yeah, notice I said "documented." That little piece of paper, what it means is that you can work in a team, with other people, and follow a set of standardized, set-forth procedures for an extended period of time to accomplish a series of tasks leading to the completion of an overarching goal. That's what those big employers want to see. That's what we're told makes us valuable.
My question is what about me? I know I'm valuable. But I still yearn for that damned piece of paper that says I've actually spent money to prove that I'm valuable. Not only that, but I can see as clear as day that my track-record says that I CAN'T stick with a prescribed course to reach a goal. I start things, get bored, and quit. Sure I learned from the brief period of time I was involved, but I didn't finish anything...
I'm so sick of it.
Is it wrong to crave recognition from strangers? From those outside my family, friends- my lifelong mentors, teachers, connections? I know I should seek first to live a life of worth beyond this lifetime, but is it wrong to want success here, on this imperfect earth? Does God know I would turn into a self-absorbed, megalomaniacal, tool? So in His wisdom, he directs me to a less conspicuous path. Or have I just not tried hard enough. Not applied myself enough. Because He sure knows I really haven't.
Now here I am, trying to figure out how to support and move forward with my little family, feeling completely inadequate and under-qualified. Why didn't I go to university out of high school? Why didn't I get trade certified? Why haven't I done the things I need to in order to have a career and support a family, and make progress, and be able to qualify to buy a home and maybe even those commercial buildings. Why don't I see those jobs I don't really want to do for a career as a means to an end? I would have worked them for a while and then bought homes and businesses and been able to retire and live off of my money working for me, as they say.
Then again, I realized tonight, as I spoke openly and honestly with my wife about our individual and mutual concerns and plans, and went over the things we need to take care of immediately to be able to handle this weekends trip to her grandma's 90-something birthday party. I realized how blessed I am. How wonderful of a woman she is to take in stride my inability to keep track of who's turn it is to offer our bedtime prayer, and quietly accepting the assignment when she knew she had prayed last night. I try to let us take turns, to be equal and even in all things. But I didn't realize it tonight until we were laying in bed talking. She just accepts it, and me, and moves forward. Trusting that I'll pray twice in a row sometimes, too, for the same reason. Because I forgot who did it last night.
I fell in love again, looking into her eyes tonight. Thinking about how giving she is, how much she goes through, how softly she submits to my request for prayers from her lips, even if it's once more than I meant to. How firmly she refuses to cower to opposition, and how strong I know she would fight if I were to ever even hint at abuse of my role as her partner, her equal, her husband. And how quickly I know she would cow to the same behaviour if she were in her weak place. So I never will. I never, ever will.
Not that I've never hurt her. I just don't like to. Never starting with that intent. It's a side effect of my own thoughtlessness, at times. My own weakness and my own self-battles that she's been dragged into.
I honestly didn't know it would be like this.
I commented tonight on how when I decided to marry her, it was because I wanted someone who I knew I could continue to grow with. Not someone who was so far beyond me that I would feel inferior, but I knew she was more developed in certain areas. I didn't see that I was more developed than her in others. But I am. We are a wonderful fit, she and I. I just didn't know it would be so -different- with someone else in the equation. More challenging, more rewarding. More of everything. Harder to succeed, but much more worth the effort. I love it. I love us. I love her.
Life is such a blessing.
Now I just need to figure out what to do with it... still.
My therapist is awesome.
I actually think finding him is half the reason I wound up in this state, in this town.
He's mentioned that a colleague of his, who only treats patients with A.D.D., actually refuses to see a patient unless a spouse, parent, or close friend will sign a document promising to be their observer and tracker. The reason being that people with ADD are notoriously horrendous self-trackers. We don't know how we feel or how we felt two days ago, much less last month. We can't tell if new medications are working or not. We tend to live in what I call the, "NOW-RIGHT-NOW-NOW-WHAT'S-THAT--SHINY-NEXT-PLEASE"
With strange sidetracks into the "I wonder what tomorrow will be like, or the end of the year- I wonder what it would be like if I were like this- or a superhero, or if my life were actually a movie"
SO the long and the short of it is, He give great advice, and I feel great because lately when I go in with things that bother me but I have a proposed solution, he's been telling me my thinking is pretty sound and I should pursue that action further, or look into it more and try it out. But his advice and the tools he gives me remain untested.
I think he's recommended several things.
Most recently to longest ago:
Mindfulness Training- which is pretty cool, from the sound of it- I just haven't listened to the CD with the instructions yet.
Creatine and other supplements to help boost my brain into attentiveness- those cost money. I'm broke.
Stream-of-conciousness communication- Basically I talk what my brain thinks, only out loud, to my wife, so she understands why I go on crazy tangents and don't remember what I said five minutes ago.
Medication to help manage the more tedious things in life- like classrooms, church meetings, and bureaucracy in general. This was recommended on a take-as-needed basis, which I liked because I am so sick of being prescribed a daily dose of some chemical to keep me 'balanced'. It kills me- turns me into a ghost of myself. On the other hand, if it doesn't need to be in my bloodstream for the entirety of my existance, and I can take it when I need a boost in my attention-span. Then awesome. Take one an hour before class,
an hour before I do homework, then forget about it, let it wear off, and cut loose!
I also enjoy long walks on the beach, quiet evenings in the woods, and the works of the Bronte sisters.
Anyway. I'm still here, and I've got a ton of stuff on my to-do list for tomorrow. Including finding my drivers license....
